Press Release

July 5, 2012

Roswell, New Mexico

In a spectacular breakthrough in the quantum relativism universe, Tom Horn announced today that he and his covert colleagues had discovered the elusive “Dog Particle.”

“It is exactly where we postulated it to be, embedded in a portal near the Sirius system,” Horn panted. “It is not a coincidence that the legendary ‘Dog Particle’ would be discovered near the mythical ‘Dog Star’ in the constellation ‘Canis Major’ (Greater Dog).”

“This is a case of the tail wagging the dog!” exclaimed Horn. “We learned the ‘Dog Particle’ connects directly to the open portal over Roswell by beaming upwards into our transgalactic dimensional transmogrification box based on our scholarly research into the mechanics of the Calvin and Hobbes model.”

Horn went on to explain that the ancient Egyptians recorded the “Dog Star” in their summer solstice calendar all other ancient and pagan societies recognized this star. “Therefore,” explained Horn, “we knew there had to be a portal there. We deduced the precise location from its solar mass multiplied by the masonic 33 parsecs, based on a formula hidden Ezekiel 33:13, and divided by the ancient Maori chimerical formula of psi-blather.”

Horn said he had been working on this hypothesis for years because he noticed how many fallen angels, gods, nephilim and non-humans entered earth’s atmosphere through this portal. Several years ago Horn had postulated in The Ahriman Gate that Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Mayan god due to return on December 21, 2012, had been imprisoned by Michael the Archangel on Mars in a manner “aligned with the Dog Star Sirius.”

Horn’s stunning revelation today announced a new quantum era of telepathy, teleportation, and space travel. Horn stated that his discovery gives additional “credence to the double-helix effect of the Hibbs-Claiborne Emergent Shane model endorsed by Dr. L. Sweet in his Quantum Metaphysics Matrix.”

“Beam me up, Scotty,” Horn chortled, as he concluded his groundbreaking announcement.

Further reading